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InformationEdit

Joe stole a Bologna Sandwich and Bologna Sandwiches Incorporated sued him. Joe got himself a lawyer from the Cheapstore. The judge was Judge Egduj, a well respected judge from the Palindromaverse. Phil Ming filmed it.

TranscriptEdit

Judge Egduj: The trial may begin. Please make your opening statements.

Bologna Sandwiches Incorporated Attorney: Thank you, your honor. We have this case presented before us today and I hope to be able to convince you that indeed the criminal is Joe. With the evidence presented today, there will be no more doubt on your mind anymore. Thank you.

Cheapstore Lawyer: Buy all your goods from the Cheapstore! Thank you.

Judge Egduj: Are you sure that this relates to the case?

Cheapstore Lawyer: Buy!!!

Judge Egduj: Okay, then. The prosecution may proceed now.

Bologna Sandwiches Incorporated Attorney: I call Mr. WitnessJoestealthings to the stand (picks up phone).

Clerk: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Mr. WitnessJoestealthings: Yes.

Bologna Sandwiches Incorporated Attorney: What exactly did you witness yesterday at 4 P.M.?

Mr. WitnessJoestealthings: Joe stole a bologna sandwich.

Judge Egduj: Cross-Examination?

Cheapstore Lawyer: Yes; Did you recently buy anything from the Cheapstore?

Mr. WitnessJoestealthings: No.

Cheapstore Lawyer: No further questions (looks at Mr. WitnessJoestealthings suspiciously).

Judge Egduj: The defense counsel may now proceed.

Cheapstore Lawyer: I call Joe to the stand. (Joe tumbles up to the stand).

Clerk: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Joe: No.

Judge Egduj: Yes, you do! (hits Joe on the head with the gavel).

Cheapstore Lawyer: Let me just quickly check my briefs (goes to check his underwear). Okay. Do you or do you not exist?

Joe: I do.

Cheapstore Lawyer: (long, exaggerated gasp) GUILTY!!!!

Joe: What?! You're my lawyer!

Judge Egduj: ORDER!!! (hits Joe on the head with the gavel again)

Judge Egduj: Cross-Examination?

Bologna Sandwiches Incorporated Attorney: Yes, your honor. Joe, did you or did you not steal the bologna sandwich?

Joe: I did.

(murmurs start in the audience)

Judge Egduj: ORDER!!! (hits Joe on the head with the gavel again)

Judge Egduj: Anything else?

Cheapstore Lawyer: I call Random Guy #4 to the stand (picks a random guy in the audience).

Clerk: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Random Guy #4: Yes.

Cheapstore Lawyer: Are you in this room?

Random Guy #4: Yes.

Cheapstore Lawyer: (long, exaggerated gasp) GUILTY!!!!

Random Guy #4: What?! I'm not even under trial!

(murmurs start in the audience)

Judge Egduj: ORDER!!! (hits Joe on the head with the gavel again)

Joe: Ouch! Would you stop?

Judge Egduj: SILENCE IN THE COURTROOM!!!!!!!! (uses Joe as his podium)

Judge Egduj: Let us proceed to the closing statements.

Bologna Sandwiches Incorporated Attorney: I am not going to make a long speech. It is obvious that it was Joe. He, himself admitted it.

Cheapstore Lawyer: Finding the correct culprit was not a simple task, but I think I did it. You just have to put 2 and 2 together, which I think equals something around 5. Obviously, Joe and Random Guy #4 invented an ingenious plan to steal the Bologna Sandwich. They are both criminals and should both go to jail for at least a couple days or something.

Joe: NO!! I paid you. You're my lawyer!

Judge Egduj: ORDER!!! (hits Joe on the head with the gavel again)

(Joe falls from his chair drowsily)

Joe: Objection!

Judge Egduj: Overruled!

Joe: But...

Judge Egduj: Overruled, I say!

Judge Egduj: Jury, please state your conclusion.

Jury: After a not very long debate, 14 out of 13 jury members agree that Joe is guilty of theft of a bologna sandwich.

Judge Egduj: Joe, you are sentenced to two days in a federal prison

Cheapstore Lawyer: Objection! Put him in a Cheapstore prison.

Judge Egduj: Very well, then (bangs his gavel on Joe's heads and reads the punishment).

Judge Egduj: As a punishment for this outrageous crime...

Joe: Wait!

(Judge Egduj aims his gave for Joe's head, but misses and hits the guy writing the transcript)

(End of Joe vs. Bologna Sandwiches Incorporated (obviously))

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